It's a question I see asked by youth workers regularly and it utterly breaks my heart. You look around a youth group and can see that people are left out. You can see the circle of young people, apart from that one person who's slightly behind everyone else, without the space to quite make it into the group. You see one person, maybe they're here for the first time, and noone comes to them to welcome them in. Maybe you even ask someone to go and say, 'Hi' and they do, but then they return to their usual friends.
I've worked in youth ministry for over 30 years and this is something that I tackle on a regular basis. I am utterly passionate about addressing it. Why is it so important? Because Jesus welcomed people. And the ones who were on the outside seemed to be the ones who drew him most. Jesus cares about the outsider and they need to be close to our heart as youth workers. Jesus tells the story of The Great Banquet in Luke 14.23:
“Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full.'"
Here are various approaches we've tried over the years:
Tackle it directly
I occasionally get all the youth to stand up and move them around the room. I'll say, 'You two stand facing each other, you three stand in a circle, you four the same, you two facing each other, you (one) you're on your own, you six, stand in a circle, you (one) you're on your own,' and so I continue with small groups and larger groups, until everyone is in a group or not. I'm careful not to go for real groups within the group! Then I explain that this is what the group is like. Then I ask people in different positions: "How does it feel to be in a big group?" "How does it feel to be on your own?" "You're in a two. What are you going to do if your friend isn't coming to group tonight?" "You're in a three. What are you going to check before you leave the house?"
Then I say that this isn't what God is calling us to be, and I ask people to start stepping backwards until they are all standing in a circle. I make clear that I'm not asking people to break up their existing friendships, but to make something bigger and better. Then I ask people to imagine what it would be like if the circle continued to get bigger - if it didn't matter if our best friend was going to be there, because we knew that others would welcome us anyway. Imagine if we grew outside the church and welcomed people there into the circle of the youth group. Isn't that a group, or a church, that we'd all want to be part of?
Teach on it!
One of the most remarkable moments I ever witnessed was when a girl who was about to leave our older youth group taught the younger youth what she wanted to see their group become. She did so, by teaching about her own, often disappointing experience of youth group life. She said: "I’ve been coming to the church since I was about five. I’ve worked my way through all the groups, and most of the time I had no clue why I kept coming along. I’ve felt excluded and unwanted, like I didn’t fit in or belong here." I wept and still do over this. The great news was that she knew she was part of God's family, the Church, and so she kept coming along. Her teaching points to improve the situation are so good, I have remembered them years later. 3 Ss:
Shoes. Put yourself in other people's shoes.
Sacrifice. Welcoming people in takes sacrifice.
Semicircles. If you always stand in semicircles, never circles, other people can always join your group.
Utterly brilliant.
The go-to passage for me is John 13.34-35:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
The reason I think this is particularly helpful is the context. Jesus has just washed his disciples' feet and he's just about to sacrifice himself on the cross for them. And Jesus says, 'As I have loved you (think washing feet and dying on the cross!), so you must love one another.' Of course then, it's going to be difficult breaking apart from your friendship group to talk to a new person!
We have even washed each other's feet before. We've got some fairly careful guidelines for this. Do get in touch if you want to hear what those are.
Wear name badges
And don't let people write each other's names or swap them! If they do, only the people in the know, know. That deliberately excludes people - exactly what you're working against. We have had a few new people each week recently, so we're doing this pretty much every week. It lowers barriers between people.
Use icebreakers
"...but people hate icebreakers!" Yes, sometimes young people say they do, and that's sometimes because they're already in a large group of close friends, it's sometimes because they've seen them done badly and it's sometimes because people are scared. We want to open the circle and icebreakers are a great way to do this. So ask people to find someone they don't know well. Leaders, watch out for anyone who is left out even now. Then ask the other person their name (a vital part of the icebreaker) and another question or two of your choice. Sometimes they may even relate to the topic being talked about from the front. Do this regularly and soon, people will know each other better.
What icebreakers do is make everyone slightly uncomfortable. That evens the playing field, whether people are part of a massive friendship group or not.
Use team challenges
Split people up into teams, but don't let them do this themselves. Mix groups up really well and then ask them to complete a challenge. We always do this on our residentials, but we also do this fairly regularly in our midweek youth groups. You can give people different coloured bands as they come in, but they'll probably just swap their bands so they're in the same group as their friends, or you can just count 1-4 then repeat. If you end up with eight in one team and three in another, just start again. They'll eventually get the message. Check out some ideas on the Team Challenge page of the website.
Use Speed Chatting
Split people up into twos, give them 90 seconds and three questions to ask each other. Always start with, 'What is your name?' Make that really clear. There will be some people in even a fairly small group who don't know each other's names. Here's the time to avoid that embarrassment and bridge some gaps. After 90 seconds, change partners and start with another three questions. We avoid people just circling their friends by deliberately sitting in two concentric circles facing each other and moving people round. Find out more about Speed Chatting here. Our adult leaders often say we should do it in the wider church. I think they're probably right. Everyone would benefit.
Give people challenges as they arrive
One week, we gave out a card with seven challenges on it. All of those challenges would build community. We asked the young people to complete all seven that night. It's about time we did it again. Check them out here.
Programme events that build community
Think about it for a moment: which events really build community? Not just allow young people to be together in the same place, but actually build community. Watch a movie together? Eat a meal together? Do partner dancing where people move round partners? Clean out a local pond? Play football? Sorry, but I think watching a movie must be one of the poorest ways to build community. Even playing football - how do you play football in a way that builds community? I'm sure it's possible, but how are you going to stop the great players ignoring the not-so-greats? Think carefully about it.
Build a culture of cherishing
One of the key values we try to instil in our group is called CHERISHING. It's a really sacrificial, practical love for one another. It's costly and it takes time, but I think it's the way of Jesus and should be the way of His Church. We asked people, if they were willing to, to sign up again this year to cherish everyone who walks in through the door of the youth group and we often mention it. Recently I asked a couple of girls if they'd signed up to cherish people. They said 'yes'. Then I asked them to go and talk to a girl who often comes with a friend, but who was this week on her own. So one went and did just that. When I returned, they were all playing a game together. That was great, but imagine if we became a group that didn't even need to be asked... We've been there as a group before and I think we'll get back to being that group.
Pray!
This is still a spiritual exercise. We're trying to get young people with all their insecurities (just like you and me) to say no to self and yes to Christ. That is always going to be hard and will need a spiritual breakthrough. So pray for that breakthrough.
Final thoughts...
We have got to become a group that welcomes in and holds people in really well if we're going to build Christ's Church. That takes very deliberate work. It won't happen by chance. So teach, challenge, encourage and pray for community. Our Christmas party this year is going to be a jive dancing social where one of our leaders teaches the group to jive dance. People start off with zero knowledge (remember the level playing field?), rotate round partners and end up having all learnt a new skill together. It's one of the best things I know to break down cliques and build bigger and better friendship groups. What will work in your context?
"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
And while you're thinking what to do first, please stand in semicircles and let people in.
What have you tried in order to break down cliques in your youth group? Get in touch here.
If you want to think this through some more, read the chapter 'Cherish' in my book, 'Raising the Bar: Nearly Everything You Need to Know about Christian Youth Ministry' which you can buy here.
You can find out here what other youth leaders think about the book.
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